ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
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Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
this chia pet tastes awful
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.