if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
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Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Good morning
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.