Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
You Might Also Like
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.