there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
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TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Happy Caturday!
There’s never enough good news
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.