What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
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Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.