Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
You Might Also Like
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
I was bored.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.