me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
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the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
sir, my pâté if you please
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.