a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
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Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.