*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
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Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
he’s sick of your bullshit today
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…