In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
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*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Plant care tips
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.