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Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
yea so i messed up lol