“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
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Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on