(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
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A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Wait a second…
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.