Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
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Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.