“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
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I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
But wait…
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds