Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
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As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.