angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
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Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
“you changed” bro i was 15
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
the #horror is real!
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Unimpressed
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.