I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
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Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife: