[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
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ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.