ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
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me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
#Caturday
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”