Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
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Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
#NeverForget
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Hmmmmm
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”