“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
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*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I鈥檓 swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Teach your children to beatbox
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 馃檨
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I鈥檝e been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
I鈥檓 aging like a fine banana
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.