Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
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If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
🤣dope
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
This a good idea
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Denise please return my vape pen
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not