We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
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Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME