kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
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A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?