11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
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*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
rapatouille
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”