Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
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*exercises sarcastically*
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?