I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
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I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit