I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
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Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door