friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
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do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
My teenage children choosing violence
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
So we got a goldfish…
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.