How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
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Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
What my back needs
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?