Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
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FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
*limbos under the caution tape
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free