sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
You Might Also Like
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one