MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
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Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
He took my last fry, your honor
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’