6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
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At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
The French cow says MEUX…
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU