THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
You Might Also Like
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
who wants to go expliring
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.