The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
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I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
@funTweeters
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible