Well there goes my Wednesday night.
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Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
#CoronaOutbreak
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.