Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
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[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.