“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
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Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
I’m not stressed
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/