Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
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All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.