Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
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Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school