cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
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My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
bugs when you lift up a rock
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Hit me in the face with a bird
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*