YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
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When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
When I laugh on my period
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me: