*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
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I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
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Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell