[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
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Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
some Old Testament wisdom
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.