i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
You Might Also Like
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server