My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
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[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.