anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
You Might Also Like
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers