*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
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Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”